Ah hah! Tired from my long haul walk yesterday from Beach Road down to Sim Lim Square. While I was walking, lugging the laptop at my back, walking onwards, it partially wet and windy yet hot from all the walking weather, i felt Him speak, "hey, you don't really get to do this often, do you?" And i smiled while i was walking, though complaining from time to time how hot it was, but i was had fun.

It was all gifts to people! Or least some form of act of love, ahahah! Deciding on which router, it was funny how long we haven't spoken to each other and hearing his voice was nice after a long time. But I think while watching Miu Kiu Wai's recent drama, I somehow had this feel that I've got a figure of who I do wanna spend my life with. (I think he'll be happy reading this)

And during these weeks of just communicating through texts messages, I realised that he is so far, the only guy who is able to make me think of him from time to time, and just smile, imagining his dorky smile. Our rides, sitting together just catching up and praying for each other, and sharing how usually the happenings of the week went.

Eating donuts on my own, makes me own this silly smile, listening to the House Soundtrack he found, sigh. I feel all warm and fuzzy like a teddy bear all over. I know he's someone I'll go to, air my grouses out when it comes, or when i do have random thoughts in my head, he'll be the one who will entertain them. ahaha and my silly ideas!

i'm just taking this phase one step at a time, enjoying the time of missing someone. It is actually a luxury, and i enjoy being in it LOL! So when we meet, the first embrace. Ahh. hahaha i feel the anticipation building up. And i'll remember all the sweet nonsensicals we do with our favourite teddies :) I miss his grebit act too. ahahah it makes me laugh like crap. =) yes, i miss you :) but i don't tell it out, cause i enjoy just doing it smirkishly at the privacy of my bedroom or in my head, whilst i go about travelling on a bus, staring out at the window!

Lets go nomnomnom when you're out again, and i'm back again!

Oh yes and the movies he will find when i name them, I've finished with Michael Clayton :) Yes George Clooney is so hot, and cute! Storyline's not too bad too, been having this urge to watch all these slightly deeper than usual storylines, that has a deeper meaning to it, probably cause i'm feeling that way too. I enjoy at times like these, when there's nothing else much for me to do, or life has been mundane, things like these perks my brains up to think and pay attention to more details and perspectives.

My late fettish of once again listening to Cantonese and reading chinese subtitles, its been awhile! guess i'll go guitar abit after watching Tommy Emmanuel on his Maton guitar, go attack Fly Me To The Moon! I'm dreaming of Macs and Martins falling from the skies, and I'm reminded of dear Rissa telling me, "Joyce, don't talk! ACTION" ahaha, she is quite a motivator really! LETS GET OUR MARTINS?

This goes out to the awesome team of Sarah and Wan Hsi, for being them, seeing how much God moves in their lives encourages me,visiting their place, chatting n chilling with them:)

It is amazing how God works and speaks through them. Like what Wan Hsi was saying, that i should be speaking more into people's lives - she saw me doing that in her dreams months back. I was reminded of what another person said over me that they see a river of life on me. Sarah said I shld hang out more at the home. Which really isn't something i didnt know, some I have no idea why i keep thinking of heading overseas,how i thought otherwise.

I wonder how this is going to go sincepastor andrew did ask me to work full time there. its been nearly quite sometime already not too sure about it, but i guess i know where to start now instead of keep thinking it's gonna be in the next couple of years time or something. or funnily thinking its going yo be overseas. Everything now has just gone past my mindset of in the time to come to now, is alittle unnerving, but i guess, its now or never lol. This is exciting.

Also, not forgetting my beloved Godparents, who've juz have been amazing in setting the ground, believing what have been set on their hearts, its really lovely and blessed to have them:) to see and fulfill what His plans are for this entire church and generation and lifetime is really the greatest of all history. wow! quite awestruck after ending my day today. still on that mode. thank you Jesus!

in the dead of the night, there isn't anything better than lying on the couch that the dubby bought, having my audio techs on, and playing some lovely piano vocal songs like Sarah Mclachlan's Angel and Adia. Sometimes its Damien Rice vocal and guitar or maybe Coldplay.


Its a great time to just come face to face with yourself, your thoughts and emotions. Reflect on how the day has been, give thanks and once again, spend time qt-ing.

Its been a lovely day, especially the YA's worship which was partially hilarious but exciting to see how God's presence is moving in our midst. I can't wait to see how much more God has to reveal to us!

In any case, God knows why i'm so happy buying this new cable for my guitar, while i don't actually possess an amp at all! But its been a great day out with the sunday bunch:)

I must remember to send my resume out! The past days and weeks have just been pure madness since departing and returning from the kl mission trip.

Then it was Bethel School of Supernatural Ministries which have been such a blast. With miracles shown during the two weeks and also today! Praise the Lord:) and may there be more and it is definitely faith building when you pray what He prays and things happens right before your very eyes, skepticism goes out the window. Till you see it then you'll understand:) But before that it's gonna be building up that faith in you to trust first and watch what happens as faith grows. And it only grows with intimacy and wisdom ans knowledge as you spend time with Him. Fearing less as you know more and becoming less ignorant.

Time to wash up and sleep.

great! blogger is having this mobile phone blogging function which will mean those who uses wifi enabled phones can blog easier w this blog mobile function. quite intriguing, cause the benefits is that u get to lie on ur tummy n hold e phone in ur hands n juz type away with ur two thumbs. it really is the ultimate lazy way loh. video cam recording is not as what i thought it is, not tt easy lol! school of supernatural starts tml, really tired. crashing on my room floor now. bye!

everytime i head back to KL to participate in Malaysia Church Camp's or Planetshakers Conference, I can't help but remember the two times I was over, it was always a life changing experience, that cause you to burn so much for the desire that pretty much is what one wants. nothing has changed much, but today, i think i had this desire to really get serious in reading the bible from back to back. I have to, there's just this urge to really get serious bout it. so yes, i'll try making the effort. starting from the front now. ahhaa!

anyway, this time's trip to KL has been such a blast, i took 2 days to recover. I spent a day crippled in bed, cause i couldn't move. Thank God there was grace when i texted Boss that I need a rest, and i was allowed. That was on Monday, Tuesday was a leave I have to take, since on monday, alot of work was done, I wasn't needed. Today was a chill day spent playing badminton, and my hand hurts like crap now. Boss is really good with his drop shots. =)

i thank God for each and everyone of the CPC team member, Sarah and Wan Hsi, everyone over at Antioch, and it just felt everyone who was there, was placed there, to encourage and edify each other. The annointing of the Holy Spirit that just swept, which cause faith to rise, has to be the highlight that will go on for the longest period of time.

i can't say how this team is tight, somehow tight, though we just spent a mere 3-4 days together, its amazing. It could have been the entire of us, sleeping under one roof, helped. But i think was each other, praying for each other, encouraging and talking faith, and encouraging one another through the day and pushing for 100% no matter how tired or sleep deprieved we were, the day before.

the urge to just head out there to prophesy, has to be the greatest highlights. That yes, it's not just set apart for the few, but the many of you, if you believe, and take the step of faith, honestly, anything is possible. and it was shown, as heaven was revealed on earth, this bond and the common desire to just cry out for God, to come sweeping down, as people go on their knees, acknowledging one God we all worship for, has truly been amazing.

there's no doubt that there's hunger for the word in places like Malaysia, it is so strong, that time and time again, though the distances are so near, how we differ in hearing the word. I can only say, we Singaporeans christians might get far too comfy, and take the many things we have for granted, that when its stripped to the bare essentials, how do we fare?

once again, it all boils down back to the heart, and the heart of worship. its not about the instruments, its not about the music, its not bout the voices, but the heart. it does change things when multiple hearts come in unison to reach that level, of crying out for more, that desperation. moves, and things changes, you feel God in your face.

once again, i'm reminded by Gan paps of the issues, and yes. Apart from loving the sinner and hating the sins, it would mean giving honour to that person whether that person deserves it or not. For that, i'm always having trouble with, that once again, it is to be reminded of myself, who am i to judge. to come back once again in humility, and the act of it, of total submission, and what is it all about.

not something easy, but what's love isn't it? its easy loving the loved but try the unloving. i have to leave this down, because this trip has been such a blast, and thank you everyone, for the great time, learning experience, feeling God's presence. Every activitiy was so spirit filled =)

So today, apart of badminton, it was breaking fast with Chass! Awesome stuff, ahaha enjoying our comfort food of fried fish soup (she likes the yuan yang one LOL). Yes and the fella beside her who smelled like bazhang.

mine smelled of dove body foam. the person was cleaning up the headphones. out came a KOSS headphone and i went "WAH" and the next thing that amazed me was when he/she took out her ipod touch. guess what was she listening to. "VIVA LA VIDA" - can't miss the album art for nuts.
and beside her, i was listening to "glass of water" - PROSPEKT MARCH. I wanted to tap her and show her my ipod play list and smile, that for a moment, 2 Coldplay fans met each other and were in the same bus, under the same sky, at the same time, enjoying our beloved.

For Coldplay fans, you have got to download the free album of LEFT RIGHT LEFT RIGHT LEFT from coldplay.com . For those who went to the concert, i think this is a great album to rekindle those high moments of "whoo oh oh oh oh" from Viva La Vida. I have a gut feeling this is recorded during the Singapore concert, cause it just sounds pretty asian / singlish. till now, i'm listening it over and over, and blasting it this entire night tonight, i don't know if i'm on a high, or just listening to the thumbing of Will's drums, and Chris banging his fingers on the pianos, Johnny dranging on his guit and Guy just doing his groove.

and the best thing happened to me today, was playing with a black white tuxedo cat (dubby taught me that). I exited from the main door of Harborfront Centre and the cat came running to me, i was supposed to be afraid, but looking at its cute meows and eyes looking at me, i couldn't help but bent down, and started playing with the tabby.

There was another brown-white-black patches one who was lame, i wanted to go over to pray for it okay. But it kept running away from me. So i spent the entire good 15 minutes just giving all my attention to that black tabby who was just following me whereever I went!

And I'm reminded that at the end of the day, no matter animals or human beings, we are all just created for one reason, which is to be loved. and we all love to be loved! i couldn't bear to say goodbye to it, when i was leaving for the bus stop, as it trailed me all the way, till it knew it couldn't anymore, i just said bye bye to it. (yes i talk to anything and everything). it turned its back and returned to where it was camping and meow-ed for more passer by and managed to get one pat from an Indian dude =D It was sweet!

so yeah, give your time out to love someone. though at times they may be hard. but if you try sometimes. i think i'm putting the leftover dinner back into the fridge and do my quiet time. =D Love yous!

yesterday has been quite a ridiculous night. that at times i feel, its a sin or curse to actually be too knowledgeable, you wonder, if by acting stupid might save your sorry ass.

sadly, because i do not want to see my dear mother, aging and still having to worry about all the needless repairs to the things that can go wrong, or spoilt, due to the wear and tear and passage of time, i learn to do alot of things which by default, i can say, i don't know how to do it.

this time round, its all over a stupid headphones (no, i still love headphones, cause I still love the music it provides me with). mom just went through a funeral, and dad expects her to do all these menial stuff, i wasn't being told of what was wrong. only to be called up in the midst of my happy-fun guitar session which I was so much in a mood to. might as well entertain myself.

only to be called up to be ranted at, and hurled quite a tad lot of needless anger issues he has. i thought i explained to him as to why some things just aren't done, but sadly, all he want is to have his say, like a 5 year old. Either on second thoughts, he might need the earphone to get him to sleep, cause silence doesn't work for him, like a lullaby. and it sure doesn't work anymore, he kicked up his fuss of hate, and anger and detestment on my attitude, character and what have you.

for one thing i couldn't stand, was being pushed off all over, or being pushed around by the weight of his money, of the money he provides, and his 3 million house. (which explains my detestment for money, or stucked up snobbish SMEs bosses). I give credits to you for being wise, in having the ability to run and manage a house, but i shall say, a family is not governed by your management-business tactics.

sadly, when talking to bosses like that, their minds are closed. so they think I'm just trying to be a smart educated varsity graduate, giving a speech, or teach them a thing or two. and voiced out their sense of detestment.

sadly, my education doesn't give me the principles and knowledge on life, but its through being educated somewhere else, and reading this powerful book. i wish i could tell you, but sadly, i didn't say anything, none of my mindless "educated" principles. cause it wouldn't have helped anything.

i left, for a walk with my ipod and jacket on, into the midst of all these "unnecessary drama", to quieten myself. And alas, to weep. Weep not because of the emotions of anger or hurt i felt, but sad at the point, there's some points that some will never get to understand. i wasn't particularly angry or hurt, purely because, whatever happened, wasn't something logical, and it came from a person at that point of time, did not make much sense to me. I will not take in senseless nonsense.

but i wept, hard. that sadly, at times no matter how hard i do try to help or least to make things work, it just never gets any better or appreciated. so you just struggle on to another session, working on and on. Appreciation or not, is not an option. I do it, just to help myself not get into unnecessary dramas, again.

This time round, i didn't have the chance to least save myself, in solving another spoilt item. I wasn't given time to figure what was wrong, or least, where or what thingy was spoilt. Just shot at, the moment you showed your face and asked a question "so what's the problem". Which is a necessary question if you need help.

but to the people of high pride, it hurts their man-ego, purely because, they can't do it and they need help. but for me, i need to know what's the problem before I can ever least try to help. I don't promise I can solve a problem but least, try to fix it and make things a little better than before (which usually happens).

people like these, are the most vulnerable ones and the ones requiring a great deal of help, because they're too helpless and lost, and frustrated. purely because they've just placed and bet their lives on the wrong principles, that trying to make it up for it now doesn't seem to go their way, and everything just seems to be going downhill, they're losing pwer and control. so much so for using money, to get things done, doesn't work anymore.

revelation is revealed. truth hurts, and they react in such anger, that i will have to go through this, because you can't handle the truth. i wish i can ever tell you all of these, but it will never get out, or into you, because you can never take it, and i do not wish to be miss unfillial. to drive you to your graves.

i just take it with me down to my grave i guess. (no i'm not suiciding), it just means, it'll just remain in me. i'm so tired of this same shit, of this same thing that has been going on and on. That its so easy to just pack your own bags and leave, for he has said it. "This is my house, you can live out on your own and get out".

it is very tempting but honestly, i need to resubmit that may it not be something that I want, but something that You want. You, give me strength please.

its been a crazy start to this week, over the dramatic incident, but thank God all's clear now, and things are moving along. started to feel weak on sunday and really, illness was just waiting to set in, which made me quite pathetic.

so upon reaching @ KL, the whole day was spent busy doing nothing apart from traveling up, some small meetings and dinner and karaoke for the night. There, I think it has been fun sharing with Jacqueline. and another dramatic end off to the trip.

all i can say i'm glad this week's pretty much short and over, since I took a day's of MC. Fell sick and i think it was signal to chill, which I did. Saturday night was a crazy night (i don't know how i survived) but yes, i was thinking on and off till i went to bed, opened and closed my eyes. The thoughts still stayed.

still quite very sane now, but all now I wanna do is just take a break. tired from the week, tired from looking on the sidelines and trying to egg him on. like what i always hear people say "gek-sei-yan". ahahah you kind of get the point.

but i start to realise that humans are actually really intricate creatures. they could either be driven by emotions (fear, anger, hatred, love) or by the environment (bad economy -> survival). i don't know what drives you, but feeding the drive, maybe one of the things that are ever gonna be keeping you alive.

anyways, all i can say, one of the most vital ways to stay sane in this crazily changing world and environment is by ensuring that you spent more time being quiet and being reflective. It helps keep your mind and heart, beating to a constant same beat or tune. Miss a beat, and something's not right, find the source then. Cause from there on, the actions should tally to whatever the mind and heart is trying to say.

Being busy or acting busy are just mere excuses of hiding things under the carpet and refusing to either recognising that there is a problem to simply, trying to evade a problem. Sure, run away from it and the rubbish in the chute starts multiplying till it gets too much, you never know where or how to start clearing, you end up losing hope of living another day, with the beliefs that tomorrow will be a better day. why do that to yourself? I don't understand, so i guess this should be a kind of discipline, just like exercising, that if you ever want to have a beautiful and healthy body, go do some work out, no pain, no gain.

like what i keep hearing at work "everybody expects someone else to change, but no one realises that change starts from the person themselves', and whoever said that, that's my boss. LOL. Quit whining, stand up, rise up and face the problems, maybe they're arent' that big afterall. Thank God i'm still very much positive and sane thank you.